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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
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i wish you freedom
i wish you peace
i wish you nights of stars that beckon you to sleep
i wish you heartache that leaves you more of a man
i wish i could be there
but i can't
i wish you places
that sit so still
where people never ever change
never ever will
i wish i could hold you
make you understand
i wish i could be there
but i can't
be good for your mother
cuz she'll need a hand to hold
and boy she loves you
more than you'll ever know
there are rhymes and there are reasons
and times where nothing stays the same
but you know my love still remains
i wish you wisdom
i wish you years
i wish you armys to conquer all your fears
i wish you courage for all that life demands
i wish i could be there but i can't
be good for your mother
cuz she'll need a hand to hold
boy she loves you
more than you'll ever know
there are rhymes and there are reasons
and times where nothing stays the same
but you know my love still remains
i wish we were together
i wish i was home
i wish there were nights
where i was never alone
i know i've said it
but i'll say it once again
i wish i could be there
but i can't
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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I really don't like what I've become. I've turned into this empty, self-loathing shell of a person who just happens to be "good in bed". You know it's funny because all through high school you learn new things and do as much as you can to get that title "good in bed" and now that I've got it I'm not proud or happy I'm sad. Is that what people see? That I'm good in bed? I really wish I could step outside myself and observe. Judge myself.. see how others probably perceive me. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore, or what my dreams are. They've silently dissapated. It's like I had this goal and I was pushing so hard at achieving it and the whole time it was taking pieces of me away.
My heart is so full of love and passion and it's such a waste for no one to see that and take advantage. It kills me that I have no one who wants my love or my heart.
I see so many different people and I just think wow.. that person is amazing. She's done this, or He's going for this. Does anyone think those things about me? I guess I'm too kind and generous in the realm of compliments and first impressions. As negative as I am about myself, I seem to be incredibly positive about other people. I always think and say the best things about people... even people I dislike. This gift I've been given is turning out to be more like a curse. The curse of the kind-hearted. She feels so much for everyone that she's left unsatisfied when no one gives back. All I want is someone who loves me as much as I love them. Is that such a horrible thing to ask for? I guess so.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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It's Saturday... and I'm awake at 9:30 am. What the hell is that all about? That's nuts. Maybe I'm growing up... maybe I'm just not tired anymore.. It's a tragic story. Anyways, I went on the most amazing date I've ever been on Thursday night with a boy named Tyler. Wow we had so much fun. We went to the beach and just watched the sunset and then we ended up driving around and went to this dock thing out on the water and hung out there for a while.. needless to say it was way romantic and "shit developed". It was really really nice. And now we're in that awkward after first date time period where I'm waiting for him to call me. It sucks cuz I'm psycho like that where I obsess over it and what he thinks (thought) about me and I CAN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE! Ack! It's terrible. I called him last night cuz my parents just decided that they're going to Disney for the weekend and left this morning, and hey what a better way to get to know someone more. The house all to myself for 2 days... things could be really nice. Anyways so I called to and he didn't answer his phone and I just left a nice message about the parents being gone. You'd think that he'd return a call like that.. HELLO booty call. Yet.. he didn't. So now I sit and wait. I swore I wouldn't be obsessive and call him a billion times cuz he's had a psycho girlfriend and I've had a psycho boyfriend and we both know how crappy that is. So I sit... and wait. *Sigh* CALL ME DAMMIT!
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| Subject: | wow |
| Time: | 8:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | Nothin bitches. |
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Wow I haven't written in this in fooorever. Everything's the same I guess.. I've been trying so hard to just keep going day by day. I don't talk to the ex anymore. He's completely out of my life which I think took a lot of stress and pressure off my shoulders. But by taking on yet another long distance relationship threw it right back on my shoulders along with loneliness to top it all off. Bleh. I've been working on getting a job in Gainesville so that I can move out. Get on with my life and go back to school. As happy as I am to finally move and be on my own.. I'm sooo scared. I'll be going into a situation where my friends have been already for 2 years.. interrupting their whole thing they've got going on. Coming into Gainesville knowing only 3 people one of which hates my guts and thinks i'm the most annoying person in the world. It's not exactly a supportive atmosphere. I'll also be working full time 40 hrs a week and going to school. Which no one else does so it's like i'll still be the odd kid out. But hey I'm used to that right? Shouldn't be so hard. I'm gonna try and write in this more. I feel bad because I just use this to read my friends journals all on one page.. laziness at it's best my friends. Peace in the middle east.
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Friday, December 12th, 2003
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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wow, i haven't written in this thing in forever. umm i guess everything right now is horrible. I've never been more suicidal in my life. i literally have no one to talk to. the one guy i care most about needs to take time away from me because i guess i drive him insane. I tend to do that to people. Drive them away. i feel so alone. why does god pick certain people to do this to? i really would love to know. why me? what did i do to deserve these feelings? i think the worst punishment in the world would be to make someone hate themselves. it's you against yourself and it's fucking hard as hell. it's so hard to concentrate on living when hating yourself gets in theway
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Saturday, June 28th, 2003
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This is the beginings of a song I'm writing...
I guess everybody changes
As time goes on
People tend to grow apart
They tend to move on
I loved the way we used to be
You used to love to talk with me
But...now it's over
I gues everybody changes...
That'll probably be the chorus. I wanna get my guitar restrung...and try writing the music on that instead of the piano. I think it'll sound better. Hmm...
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| Subject: | poop |
| Time: | 11:06 am. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. | | Music: | dreaming.... |
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This morning I feel so blah. I think it's the weather. Reagan's being weird and not making me feel any better. I think I need a vacation by myself. Time away from everyone and everything just to clear my freaking head. I can't stand anything anymore. I'm trying to not eat, but that's not working. I'm trying not to be so lazy, but that's not working either. It's like everything I'm trying to do for myself isn't working out. No matter what my goals are I can never seem to acheive them, and I can't get any confidence. Obviously...
I'm such a freaking loser. I don't have any friends anymore either. I talk to the people I work with and amanda and kara, but they live way far away. It sucks so bad.
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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
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I'm watching that show fame. I wish I had confidence. If I did maybe I'd actually go somewhere in life. Whaaatever. Today was pretty good. I went to Pirate's Cove and Mini Golf with the kids. It was fun to get out and do something different, plus it was a lot of good excercise. I totally screwed myself with food today. I woke up SO hungry so I decided to eat subway. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. After eating that I decided not to eat for the rest of the day. That was fine until reagan whined about chinese food. So we went to get chinese food and I ate, not a lot, but it was greasy fatty chinese food. So when we got home I tried to throw it up but I couldn't get any of it up. I was so upset!! Ughhh, I don't even want to think about how much fat and calories that was in there. Since I couldn't get anything up I went in the pool and just swam laps for a while hoping to at least burn some of it off. Tomorrow, I will starve.
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I haven't updated in a long time, like whoa. Not much has been going on, I'm trying to lose weight. So far it's working pretty well, I've been restricting what I eat a lot. I've been trying to only have about 1,000 cals a day. I'm 225, and my goal is to be under 200 by july. The past few days have sucked because I've been watching the kids next door and I always pig out when I go over there. I had 2 peices of pizza, 2 popsicles, half of a twix, and some rice crispies. YUCK YUCK YUCK. I'm so fucking huge and I hate it. I can't believe I even let myself get this big. It's horrible. I will be thin, I will.
I'm going to see Kasey on june 16th and I want to look amazing. I want him to look at me and be like, damn it was worth the wait . I can't wait to see him!!!! After all this time it's gonna be weird. I just hope it's not awkward. Baaahaha I'm probably going to jump on him and rape him. EEEE! I'm so excited. Okay, I'm good. Alright, night night time. Empty stomach tomorrow! No food what-so-ever!
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 24th, 2003
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i hate feeling like my heart is imploding in my chest
i hate that ONE fucking person can do this to me
only ONE person in my whole life has made me feel so shitty
and it's my fault it happened that way
i want to just walk off a bridge, into the ocean and float away
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Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
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For some reason I can't seem to find anything to write about these days. I don't know if it's because there's nothing going on that really inspires me to write or whatever. In highschool when I was depressed, I wrote every 5 minutes. It's like depression and heartache were my muses and without them, there's nothing. I'm just this big shallow empty hole. That's so sad to me. Without sadness, I can't write. But when I wrote it was always about wanting to be happy. I guess nothing is ever supposed to make sense.
Right now I wouldn't say i'm happy. I guess I'm content. I somewhat like my job. I love my boyfriend. I love my friends. I guess I'm just bored. Maybe that's why I always miss kasey. Because he's the unknown right now and that's not boring. I don't know. I'm a big retard. I need to stop thinking.
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Monday, November 4th, 2002
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Today sucked so bad minus the 20 minutes i actually got to talk to my best friend. I hate work. No matter what I always have this feeling of dread when i think about it. It's so stressful and yucky. I keep screwing up and not doing things right and I know I'm new and all but it makes me feel stupid. I have no friends, my boyfriend's not around much, and i just feel like a big stupid loser. Kasey called tonight and I really wished he hadn't because he was in a mood that i really didn't want to deal with. He pushed it over the edge and i started bawling after our conversation. Then to add the fucking icing on the cake, my cat peed all over my bed. For no apparent reason. UALKJQA:KLJSROPIUETJKL:ETLJETJKL!! I want to hit something. Real hard like. GR!
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Monday, October 21st, 2002
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I took a personality test today and it said I was a "healer". A caring nurturing person who is selfless at times I shouldn't be. I decided that Kasey is a "heartbreaker". A big bundle of hurt ready to swoop in and destroy people. I guess sometimes the heartbreakers need healing too. That's why he always comes back. Because he knows deep down that I can't say no. Unfortunately every theory involving Kasey, also involves being used. That isn't right.
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Friday, October 18th, 2002
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xstartingxlinexx: we're both just sick of not knowing each other
xstartingxlinexx: and not knowing if we're meant to be together
xstartingxlinexx: or what
iamthecheeeeese: yeah
iamthecheeeeese: it had been a long time
xstartingxlinexx: he's with someone now and i'm with someone
iamthecheeeeese: is he coming there?
xstartingxlinexx: so it's weird
xstartingxlinexx: i don't know yet
iamthecheeeeese: yeah it is
xstartingxlinexx: we both want to do it now
xstartingxlinexx: but we don't want to cause any drama
xstartingxlinexx: so i think we're gonna wait until we're single
iamthecheeeeese: yr assuming you and reagan are gonna break up soon?
xstartingxlinexx: not really
xstartingxlinexx: i'm leaving it in the hands of destiny
xstartingxlinexx: if it's meant to be
xstartingxlinexx: we will both be single and interested in each other at the same time
xstartingxlinexx: and it will just happen
iamthecheeeeese: yeah
xstartingxlinexx: i love reagan to death and would do anything to keep us together
xstartingxlinexx: but i love kasey
xstartingxlinexx: and i can't help that
xstartingxlinexx: that won't go away until we know for sure
iamthecheeeeese: you may not wanna wait to do it then
xstartingxlinexx: i've waited this long
xstartingxlinexx: lol
iamthecheeeeese: otherwise it'll just keep nagging at you
xstartingxlinexx: it's always nagged at me
xstartingxlinexx: but i've been too scared and so has he
xstartingxlinexx: but we're older now and more mature
xstartingxlinexx: and we're just gonna let it happen
iamthecheeeeese: that's good then
iamthecheeeeese: yr on the same page about it
xstartingxlinexx: yeah
xstartingxlinexx: i hate that he's with this girl though
xstartingxlinexx: lol
xstartingxlinexx: and he hates reagan
xstartingxlinexx: it's funny
iamthecheeeeese: lol
iamthecheeeeese: does he have an actual reason to hate reagan besides the fact that he's yr boy?
xstartingxlinexx: he says that with him it's like the devil and angel on his shoulders
xstartingxlinexx: he's got the good gracious christian shelby as the angel and then there's the bad sensual temptress katie as the devil
xstartingxlinexx: i'm like
xstartingxlinexx: uh
xstartingxlinexx: gee thanks
xstartingxlinexx: lol
xstartingxlinexx: he hates him because he's my boyfriend
iamthecheeeeese: ooh yr the seductress
iamthecheeeeese: hot
iamthecheeeeese: lol
xstartingxlinexx: yeah
xstartingxlinexx: because i'm the one that he always talks about sex with
xstartingxlinexx: and if he was going to have sex before marriage he said i would be the only one he'd do that with
iamthecheeeeese: that's a pretty major thing
xstartingxlinexx: yeah
xstartingxlinexx: i'm surprised it's gotten this big over the phone
xstartingxlinexx: but it has
xstartingxlinexx: and the feelings are totally real
xstartingxlinexx: and it's scarey
iamthecheeeeese: yeah
iamthecheeeeese: it'd be weird to think about it in person
xstartingxlinexx: yeah
iamthecheeeeese: just cos it hasn't been that way for so long
xstartingxlinexx: the weird thing is i can see it that way
xstartingxlinexx: in person
xstartingxlinexx: i think about it all the time
xstartingxlinexx: we're totally obsessed with each other
xstartingxlinexx: it's insane
iamthecheeeeese: ahhh
iamthecheeeeese: lol
xstartingxlinexx: and i was talking to manda
xstartingxlinexx: about how i'm always trying to convince myself that i'm over him
xstartingxlinexx: but i never am
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Sunday, September 15th, 2002
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You are intelligent and practical, very likely to have a good memory and the ability to make and follow plans. Leadership skills are among your useful traits.
At times, you may tend to be overly sensitive to criticism. You can be excessively cautious or narrow in your outlook unless you receive the right kind of encouragement.
You are a warm hearted person, with much love to give. You probably like children, and exhibit many playful characteristics.
There may be times in your life when you give in to feelings of sadness or depression.
You are likely to make decisions based on intuition or feelings rather than intellect.
Your personality is dynamic and attractive to most people. The more branches you find in your heart line, the more friends and lovers you will have. Your sincerity and compassion make people like you even more.
There are inconsistencies in your energy level, possibly triggered by external factors or emotional changes.
You have a basically strong constitution, and should enjoy good health most of the time.
You are likely to make many changes in the direction of your life. This may be based on interruptions due to health problems, or it may be that you just have trouble focusing your energy.
No matter what other factors influence your personality, there is an under lying sense of practicality that you can draw on if you wish.
That is so accurate it's scarey!
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Monday, September 9th, 2002
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Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
that's what you get for falling again
you can never get 'em out of your head
that's what you get for falling again
you can never get 'em out of your head
Its the way
That he makes you feel
Its the way
that he kisses you
Its the way
that he makes you fall inlove
she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
and that's what you get for falling again
you can never get 'em out of your head
that's what you get for falling again
you can never get 'em out of your head
(chorus x 2)
pretty girl pretty girl
Pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out
you can never get 'em out of your head
Its the way
he makes you cry
Its the way
that he's in your mind
It's the way
that he makes you fall inlove
(Chorus)
*sigh*...only Shannon would know what i'm feeling.
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Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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| Subject: | BLAH! |
| Time: | 1:08 am. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. | | Music: | Somthing Corporate - If U C Jordan. |
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Yeah, I haven't updated in a long time because i've not been in the mood to write. So, i've been in counseling for almost 3 weeks now because of all the shit i put myself through. It all started with a big stupid fight over my newly dyed red hair with my dad. It ended with me crying hysterically on the floor, completely vulnurable. More vulnurable than i've ever let myself be before. My mom suggested i seek help and i had nothing left in me, so i agreed. It's definitely something i've needed for a while. It seems to be helping with stuff too which is cool, but i'm having a hard time being honest. The first lady i saw asked me a bunch of questions about my past and i lied and said i was never sexually abused and i never did drugs and i never was depressed and wanted to kill myself. I guess i just didn't want that out yet. Then i got moved to a different more permenant lady who didn't ask me any of those questions, so i just haven't told her about it. I guess i'll just wait until it's important to tell her.
Blah, so me and reagan are doing okay. Lately it seems as if there's not much there anymore. Like we're slowly drifting apart. The problem's with me, because i never want to snuggle anymore. I don't know what the heck that means but tonight he was trying to tell me some things that were bothering him and he couldn't get them out as usual. ::Sigh:: that boy is confusing sometimes.
I've really really been liking the way me and Kasey have been getting along. We've just been good friends, talking every week about random things just like good friends usually do. Everything was FREAKIN' FINE until this convo:
xMestxUpxChickyx: wow, long time no speak
Stinkel612: tell me about it
xMestxUpxChickyx: lol
xMestxUpxChickyx: what's shaking
Stinkel612: your bootie hopefully
xMestxUpxChickyx: my booty shakes too much
Stinkel612: must be made of jelly then cause jam don't shake like that
xMestxUpxChickyx: lol
xMestxUpxChickyx: you're such a dork
Stinkel612: you still want me though
xMestxUpxChickyx: you'd like to think so
Stinkel612: i know so....whether or not i'd like to think so is irrelevant
xMestxUpxChickyx: i'm trying not to give you a big head
Stinkel612: it's okay...i don't have a big head. if you still like me i understand because we've talked about it before. there's a part in each of us that likes each other its just that sometimes its smaller and sometimes its bigger
xMestxUpxChickyx: exactly
xMestxUpxChickyx: i like how we are right now
Stinkel612: me too...not as much stress. are you just saying that though or do you really mean it?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i really mean it
Stinkel612: ok...cause sometimes you want more when i can't give it
xMestxUpxChickyx: yeah, i'm known for that
xMestxUpxChickyx: i think that before i was always insecure and depressed
xMestxUpxChickyx: but i finally am over that and that's why we can get along this way now, because i don't need that love and attention
Stinkel612: isn't counseling great?
xMestxUpxChickyx: it is but i think i got over it before counseling
Stinkel612: oh ok. do you talk about me in counseling?
xMestxUpxChickyx: nope
xMestxUpxChickyx: i'm working on handling my stress better in counseling right now
Stinkel612: oh...it was funny cause my friend mallory talks to this guy online and he came to see her
xMestxUpxChickyx: is that is?
xMestxUpxChickyx: it?
Stinkel612: i just thought it was funny....it made me think of you tonight
Stinkel612: you know shelby has an online diary if you want to read up on her
xMestxUpxChickyx: really now
xMestxUpxChickyx: i have an online diary
xMestxUpxChickyx: but nobody i know reads it
Stinkel612: you want to know what the address is or do you just not give a crap? if you say you don't give a crap it won't hurt my feelings
xMestxUpxChickyx: are you nuts, of course i want the address
xMestxUpxChickyx: lol
Stinkel612: stupidshelby.diaryland.com
xMestxUpxChickyx: you're totally trying to make me jealous
Stinkel612: why do you say that?
xMestxUpxChickyx: grr
xMestxUpxChickyx: >:o
Stinkel612: what are you reading?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i just read the most recent one
Stinkel612: and?
xMestxUpxChickyx: and that's it
xMestxUpxChickyx: now i'm doing something else
Stinkel612: what did it say that was so bad?
xMestxUpxChickyx: nothing
xMestxUpxChickyx: forget it
Stinkel612: sheesh
xMestxUpxChickyx: i'm not trying to be mean or anything
xMestxUpxChickyx: i'm just saying nevermind
Stinkel612: that's why i didn't want to give it to you
xMestxUpxChickyx: what?
xMestxUpxChickyx: it's obvious why i'd be jealous
xMestxUpxChickyx: that's all
Stinkel612: do you hate her now?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i don't hate anyone
Stinkel612: do you wish you were in her spot?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i've been there in a way
Stinkel612: and it's not all it's cracked up to be huh?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i don't know
xMestxUpxChickyx: how old is she
Stinkel612: she'll be 18 in october
xMestxUpxChickyx: mmhmm
Stinkel612: what's that supposed to mean?
xMestxUpxChickyx: nothing
xMestxUpxChickyx: lol
Stinkel612: she really is almost 18
xMestxUpxChickyx: okay
Stinkel612: she's really cute too
xMestxUpxChickyx: awesome
Stinkel612: she shops at thrift stores
xMestxUpxChickyx: that's great
Stinkel612: i'll stop talking about her
xMestxUpxChickyx: okay
xMestxUpxChickyx: have you made out with her yet?
Stinkel612: nope
Stinkel612: i really want to, but she's really special and i want to make sure i do the right thing with her
xMestxUpxChickyx: that'll change soon
xMestxUpxChickyx: oh okay
Stinkel612: you're like....talk to me in 2 wks kasey
xMestxUpxChickyx: yeah exactly
Stinkel612: i'm not going to lie...i really wanted to tonight. her hair was pulled back into these two little buns and she looked so cute and she smells so good, but i just feel something different about her that making out would spoil
xMestxUpxChickyx: yeah
Stinkel612: you're just like whatever
xMestxUpxChickyx: no i'm not
xMestxUpxChickyx: it's just weird
Stinkel612: what is?
xMestxUpxChickyx: i don't know
Stinkel612: weird that i like somebody?
xMestxUpxChickyx: heck no, that's not something new
xMestxUpxChickyx: i just feel stupid i guess
Stinkel612: weird that i feel this way about a girl?
xMestxUpxChickyx: because i realize that i was pretty much exactly like all your other date-n-ditch girls except you did it like over and over again
Stinkel612: harsh
Stinkel612: i'm going to bed now
Stinkel612: talk to you later
xMestxUpxChickyx: wait
xMestxUpxChickyx: i didn't mean it like that
Stinkel612: i know
Stinkel612: ??
xMestxUpxChickyx: i just feel let down because i hyped what we were up so much
xMestxUpxChickyx: and it really wasn't what i thought it was
Stinkel612: ok
Stinkel612: i'm sleepy thought and i have to work in the morning
Stinkel612: talk to you later
xMestxUpxChickyx: alright
xMestxUpxChickyx: later
It's like he's trying to screw it up. He pushes and pushes until i get upset, and then he gets upset and makes me feel bad. I don't get it. I try to be honest, and he just kind of blows me off. WHATEVER. Geez, i'm done obsessing over him. I'm done wasting time over him. It's just going to be what it's going to be and that's that. No extra anything from me anymore. Stupid butthead.
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GOD no one knows anything about me. I hate this. Nobody understands.
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Thursday, July 25th, 2002
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| Subject: | God |
| Time: | 11:58 pm. |
| Mood: | discontent. | | Music: | Vanessa Carlton - Ordinary Day. |
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I love you so much. I can't help it. No matter how many times you've dicked me over and hurt my feelings, I can't help but melt every damn time I hear your voice, see your phone number, hell even see your name. You're the light of my life. I know it's my fault that we're not together because i'm too damn chicken to even let you see me, the real me. I kick myself everyday for being a big wimp. We could have something so special right now but i'm too god damn stupid to take it or leave it. I want you so badly. I want to feel your hand in mine and taste your kiss and feel your breath on my neck. I long for that every night. I dream every single night that you and me could be together. The passion I have for you is like no other. Everything reminds me of you and how much I love you and want to be with you. It drives me crazy to think of you being with other people, because we've been places together that no one else could even imagine and you and me haven't even been face to face. I feel so cheated to have had such a wonderful romance with someone so far away. I'm such a coward for not believeing you and trusting you and trusting in love. I want so badly just to lay in your arms. Sometimes I contemplate just running away to you and staying with you forever. Just leaving everything here in my life and starting a new one with you. You honestly complete me. You are the point of my existance and I love you so much for being that and being so sweet and caring and funny. But unfortunately my cowardly side holds me back from all of that and for that I hate myself.
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angrychipmunk's journal
contemplative.
blank.
gloomy.